One of the strangest things about human nature is how easy it is to push away the one (or ones) you love the most in life. At the same time, one of the most inherent desires of humanity is to be accepted and loved and wanted. And yet quite often our behavior towards loved ones is contrary to just that.
But why do we do that??
Because we’re scared. Because we can, because they let us, because we think they’ll be there if and when we want to go running back.
I knew a guy for a short time. He was probably one of the nicest, sweetest, giving, caring, and loving guy that I have ever met in my life. He was genuine in every word he spoke. He was raised with good morals and values. He had a great career. He was independent. He was handsome, smart, funny, outgoing, charming, and kind. The list could go on for days. He had respect for himself and he certainly respected others. But most importantly he was happy. Some thing everybody wishes to be. But he didn’t have to wish, he genuinely was. On the outside his life appeared to be perfect and I think for the most part, it didn’t just appear to be… it in fact was.
Why didn’t I want to be with him? It boggled my mind along with many others. He complimented me every single day, he listened to me cry at the midnight, he did everything he could to cheer me up when I was feeling down, he showed me a side of myself I never knew was there. He made me see the good in myself. But he also brought out the ugly in me. I was bitchy, unkind, and impatient, highly emotional kind of girl . He was too nice, and I was too hard. My walls have been built up so high for so long not even he could break them down. He was everything I was looking for in a man. Everything I could ever need. Everything I know I deserve. But he was everything I never wanted for the simple fact that he is not what I am used to. And I never wanted my moods and my actions spoil his state of mind. And I finally decided to let go.
Time sucks, plain and simple. People come into your life at the worst times, for the best reasons. To wake you up and show you a side of yourself that you never knew was there. To teach you invaluable lessons. To lift you up when you are feeling down.
But why don’t we keep those people around? The perfect person could be right there, with open arms but you still find something wrong with yourself and push them so far away. I believe we do this because our beliefs about love are tainted. And as long as your heart is guarded and your walls are up, there will never be a right person for you.
Do I regret letting him go? No, not one bone in my body does. I know I am not normal person and my emotional state varies every now and then. It varies from thinking that he has become my elementary need to a state when I think I want no one in this devastated life of mine.
I don’t know when and why. I don’t know how but I’ve developed a habit of pushing away things I love and care. He sure did everything, and I mean everything in his power to try to make me stick around.
I couldn’t tell him the truth. Because the truth is ugly. I push people away because I’m a coward. I’m certifiably, wholeheartedly and completely afraid.
I hate it. But I can’t stop.
People spend their whole lives looking for someone to love them, but when it happens to me, I have the overwhelming urge to run away. As soon as I feel myself slipping into that sweet intoxicating feeling of reciprocal love, I immediately shut down. It’s not rose-colored bliss for me. It’s a tangled knot of anxiety, an endless battle between my head and my heart.
Logically, I know I’m being crazy. I realize that when you find someone who cares about you, you’re never supposed to let him or her go. But then my heart always seems to loudly protest, declaring that it doesn’t want to be anyone else’s. That it’s safer if it were only my own.
The undeniable truth about getting close to someone is that you give them part of your heart. It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small, you give part of it away. And once you do that, the person who holds your heart controls some part of your happiness. All of a sudden, you can’t help but feel butterflies when they look at you or quiet the pounding in your chest when they say your name. You wish you could make it stop, to gain back some of the control of your emotions, thoughts, sanity, but you can’t. You hate that they can make you more joyful that you could even imagine or the fact that in a second, they could break you. And that’s the beautiful, messy and truly terrifying part of it.
The thought of giving someone else a piece of our heart is scary, and it’s probably one of the most vulnerable things we can do. I keep pushing people away out of fear, and end up alone.
**Too tired doing this all along. Just in a hope that one day there will be someone who will always catch me and his love will blow away my fears and will uprise the love I’ve been hiding**